Tag Archives: fan-fiction

Psycho-Analysis of my Shadie Story

Often times, without even realising it, I write into my stories aspects of my psyche or my life. In the case of my fan-fiction Darth Shadie: Lady of the Force, some of it was intentional, and some of it was wholly subconscious.

Darth Shadie or Jedi Eidahs is my alter ego, she is basically me, were I to exist in the Star Wars galaxy. The Jedi part is what I aspire to be, benevolent, in control of my chaotic emotions, while the Shadie is my shadow side, that darker side of myself, yet a part I do embrace. We all have a shadow self, and when you have a mental illness like CPTSD like me, it becomes more present at times. The fact that Shadie can take light and dark side abilities and create new ones is the birth of a new self with the self that was. Taking my good side and my illness side and creating a new me, not the me I was before I got sick, not the me I was because of the illness, but a new and improved me, and a me who loves myself, all sides of myself.

Agent Knarf is my husband’s alter ego whom I wrote into the story. A programmer in real life, more of a team lead or scrum master, it was only fitting to make him a slicer. The serene passion that Shadie and Knarf share is representative of the intense love I share with my husband, a love that can be both chaotic and harmonising. Now, at the end of Story one, Knarf is injured, he’s lost a part of one limb, and he could die if he does not receive he proper healing. This is indicative of the mental and emotional aspects of my mental illness which affects those around me, those who love me, those whom I love. What brings me down, the dark side, brings them down too. If the rage destroys me, it destroys them too. Every time I have an emotional flashback, it affects my husband, it drains him a bit. He feels my pain and hence he suffers when I suffer or lash out. As I heal however he heals too and without going into details that would be telling of Story 2 of my fan-fiction, the more I focus on the love side of myself, the more that love heals those around me too.

Darth Lahnius represents the abuse past, a reminder of that abuse. It is a fight with the part of the self that has emotional triggers, flashbacks and scars still attached to the narcissist who abused me. As I heal more and more of those aspects are let go and detached, but some still remain. The brain was controlled with brainwash and mind control, so it’S only normal that parts of it still feel connected in some way. The more I rewire my brain through healing techniques such as EFT, the less of these are present. In time, as with others who have experienced what I have, all these attached parts will detach and I will have defeated the abuse past, the Darth Lahnius, without the need to destroy the abuser himself.

So then who or what is Darth Kromus? Darth Kromus is the deep self, the part of the self that is hidden deep within. The battle with the self is the toughest battle of all and Kromus represents the rage that lives inside of me. He is what I could become were I to let rage take over me and decide to become a malevolent being. But since I am a moral person, I know this cannot happen. However, I have acted immorally towards myself in the past, through self-harm and self-punishment. Kromus is the monster that lives inside of me and I know I must learn to either quell that rage or live with it, learn to master it and control it so it becomes an ally, part of my good side for necessary moments, or be rid of it completely. That battle is still on-going, yet moving closer towards one outcome, but that would be telling of some spoilers from Story 2 of my fan-fic.

So I’ll just leave things at that for now. As for some of the other characters, well it’s a bit self-explanatory and I can’t wait to get into more of these stories to share them with you. I have new characters arriving in Story 2, even more in Story 3. More epic Sith to come, and more Mandalorians. Talyc has become one of my favourite characters, along with one who is presented in Story 2. And my favourite Sith is yet to come. But it all began with this Story right here. I hope you enjoyed it. And if all goes well, I’ll have Story 2 ready early next year. I’d like to put out two of these a year, but this year I’ll be publishing my fantasy novel Book 1, so look out for that in late 2018.

Which characters from this first fan-fic story were your favourites?

And here’s the video of this whole analysis!

Epilogue (Darth Shadie: Lady of the Force)

12 Story 1 Epilogue 1

Shadie entered a dim lit room, taking a few steps before stopping.  She ignited her lightsaber, the snap-hiss resonating in the cavernous chamber, and she held it as one blade in her right hand, with her arm extended to the side.  She could feel the dark side ever so strongly in this room, more so than in the rest of the entire Crypt.  The low gravity had destabilised her briefly, but not as much as the wave of dark side energy emanating from the Crypt.  The sphere had reassured her that if the Lady could embrace it, she could transform it.
Shadie stilled her thoughts as a figure approached.  She could see their silhouette a good distance away.  She knew it was Kromus even before he stepped into the light.
‘Darth Shadie!’ said Kromus; he seemed somewhat surprised, though trying to hide it.  Perhaps he thought Lahnius would be returning in her stead?
Shadie nodded slowly.
‘Yes.  It is me… Now, it’s time for you to die!’
Shadie walked to Kromus in a steady pace and hacked her lightsaber above him.  Kromus swiped it away with ease.  She came at him again, striking low and left; he blocked.  She was trying to feel where he was at with his abilities.  Long had it been since she’d fought him or trained with him and she did not know how much he’d grown in the Force.  Although, to her own advantage, neither did he know how much she had grown in the Force.
They duelled briefly, studying each other’s moves, evaluating how quick they were to parry, how quickly they attacked.  Kromus used Force Speed to strike blows up, down, left, right and left again, and Shadie managed to block each one with astonishing speed.
Simultaneously, they took a few steps away from each other, backing away and began a slow walk around the room, circling, facing each other.
‘Do you really believe your powers are stronger than mine?’ asked Kromus.
‘You forget that I am a servant of the light now.  Combined with the powers you taught me…  Well, let’s just say, I can be quite deadly.’
Shadie came at Kromus again, this time mixing speed and lightning which he caught on his blade, she switched her sabre to a two-sided staff and flurried, adding a quick strike at the neck.  Kromus hacked her staff away using the Force to send her bouncing back a bit.
‘I can still sense the dark side within you, Shadie.  It has merely been dormant.  You are a Jedi, yet you are a Sith.’
He attacked high and hard, Shadie alternately blocked and attacked side to side with her staff; left, right, left right, advancing with each hit, Kromus backing away with each hit.  He lifted one hand and a piece from an unfinished wall of the Crypt’s cave beyond the room came rushing Shadie’s way.  She sent a quick burst of lightning and it shattered into tiny pieces.  Half her lip curled into a smile.  And she stood back, looking at Kromus who was staring back at her.

Continue reading the Epilogue.

Start reading from the beginning of Story 1.

Chapter Nine (Darth Shadie: Lady of the Force)

11 Story 1 Chapter 9

When Shadie walked out of the refresher, she garbed in her most comfortable and flexible dark outfit with her black cape.  Best enter a dark cave dressed for it.  Knarf was handsome as usual to her and he took her hand as they made their way to the cockpit.  The sky streaked into star lines and into the backdrop of space.  Dathomir loomed in the centre of the forward viewport.  Shadie closed her eyes, reaching out in the Force, and pointed.
‘There.  There’s the sphere.’
Brenum set a bearing and head into the planet’s atmosphere.
‘The binary message was from Master Juun like I thought,’ said Trylia.  Knarf smiled strangely to himself, but Shadie took little notice.  ‘To tell us he’d left Coruscant safely.  He’s perhaps a few standard hours away.’
Shadie nodded as she felt a familiar prickling at the back of her neck.  Her danger sense.
‘Starboard!’ she shouted.
‘I see it,’ said Brenum, swerving the ship.  ‘There’s a whole minefield of them.’
There were missile bombs set for sleep, to wake upon detection of the Krayt Dragon.  Sith fighters began to approach and streaked laser fire towards the ship.
‘Hey Knarf,’ said Brenum, ‘you know why Shadie, Trylia and I decided to call this baby the Krayt Dragon?’
‘Because krayt dragons are difficult to kill and you got to be karking barvy to try to destroy one.’  Brenum veered the ship aft and up.  ‘How many people do you know who didn’t die trying to bring down a krayt dragon?’
‘None, actually,’ replied Knarf.  ‘Well there was that one Jawa who claimed his cousin…’   He shook his head and laughed.  ‘No.  I can’t remember ever speaking to a successful krayt hunter last time I was on Tatooine.’
Brenum steered the ship using the Force to feel the Sith fighters and the invisible bombs the Sith had lain out for them.  Up and down, port and starboard, twirling and flipping, dodging and veering.
Next thing they knew, they were landing on the planet’s night side.
‘So what’s the plan?’ asked Trylia, as they all exited the ship.  ‘You head for the sphere while we fight Lahnius?’
Before Shadie could answer, a large rancor approached, a Night Sister riding it.  Shadie kept her hands by her side, Knarf thumbed his blaster, and Brenum and Trylia stood like Shadie, with their hands by their sides, for now.
‘How do these Dathomiri witches tame those beasts?’  Knarf seemed to size it up and down.  ‘You’d think a Jawa would have better luck taming a gundark.’
‘They’re Force-sensitive, Knarf,’ replied Trylia.  ‘But I’m not sure.  I’m a Jedi and I wouldn’t try to tame a rancor.’
The Dathomiri witch sitting atop the rancor halted it and studied the Jedi carefully.
‘I have a bad feeling about this,’ said Knarf.
The Night Sister called out in her chanting tongue.  Then as one, several dozen red blades lit up the night.
‘Oh, that’s rich,’ murmured Shadie, as she heard Knarf gulp.
‘Lahnius does enjoy the preliminaries,’ said Brenum.
‘Oh, I do!’ came a familiar voice.
From the centre end of the ring of Sith approached Darth Lahnius, his dark hair dishevelled.  Come to think of it, he could have been quite handsome, Shadie observed, but for the dark glare in his eyes.  They glowed of the dark side, his pale skin tone contrasting with the darkness of his irises, as his aura permeated dark side energy,
With a snap hiss, he ignited two red blades.
‘Kill the others, but Shadie is mine!’

Continue reading Chapter Nine.

Start reading from the beginning of Story 1.